I had a very best friend that passed away a long time ago. I was in love with them when they were alive. I never got to tell them. Then time separated us. We found other partners and only saw each other once in a great while. Then one day, they were just gone.
Sometimes, I dream about him. Still to this day. It's always a visits. We can't talk long.
I believe when the dead visits you in a dream, it is truly them. There is a strange connection between the dream world and the afterlife, it would seem. Death and sleep are so similar.
Though I see him a few times a year, I don't ever tell him how I felt when he was alive.
I don't think he needs to know.
I'm also married now.
I also no longer have those feelings.
If he was alive right now, I still wouldn't have those feelings.
When I look back on the times we had, a lot of it was somber. He reminds me of a dark sad time. Two lonely people clinging to anyone who would give them time of day.
We were mean to each other a lot. Sometimes friends do that. Pick on each other. Especially when feelings are involved.
We just smoked cigarettes and burned things and hurt each other and went home feeling weird. Only to call each other up and sit in silence on the phone for hours. It was a very non verbal friendship most of the time. Just the comfort in each other's souls.
It never would have worked between us.
It really never would have.
It would have only ruined a friendship we both deeply cherished for some reason.
I'll always love him.
I'll always dream of him.
I'm sorry I wasn't there at the end.
I'm sorry I moved away and couldn't answer the door when you showed up.
I'm sorry I never told you.
I only write about it now because I tried to have one of those dreams last night. Not on purpose. But in my dream, I kept texting him to see if he wanted to come over. But he never responded. It was a real small B plot within the other bogus dream layers.
Ugh, what a bummer.
I'll try and talk about something nicer later on.
ttyl
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